"Dealing with Indecisions"

October 23, 2018

Dear Katie,

I like to think that I am being rather mature about handling this situation but I need advice. My friend wants me to go ahead and put myself out there and tell the boy I've liked for a while about how I feel. However, I think I'm in a place where I do not need a relationship right now and do not want to pursue one if the feelings are reciprocated. Should I focus on bettering myself so I'm ready when the right person comes along or should I go for it and take a chance because otherwise this guy will never know how I feel?

Sincerely, Indecisive

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Hi Indecisive!

I applaud you for handling the situation in a calm and mature manner, because I know I wouldn’t be able to. I think that your friend wants what’s best for you, but may be skewed in what that may be. It is important that, when you are putting yourself out there, that you are ready to be in those situations. Relationships take a lot of work to maintain, even when it is completely healthy and supportive. If you aren’t ready to commit to someone, it could take a giant emotional toll on you as well as the other person involved. Think about it from his angle: would you want your (possible) crush to confess their feelings, only to then tell you they still don’t want/aren’t ready for a relationship? I know I wouldn’t, because then you are caught in what I call “love limbo”: where you’re halfway between the friend-zone and a relationship. Personally, I’ve been there. I had had a crush on my best friend for over three years, only to find out he had also had feelings for me the whole time. I was excited, because I no longer had to think he saw me as just a friend, until he said that he wasn’t ready for a relationship. Which, kinda a mood killer, you know? We waited a couple months, both matured and improved ourselves, then he asked me out, and it’s been two years since then. What I’m trying to get at is that it is important for both parties to either be okay with waiting, or okay with entering a relationship: you can’t have one of each.

I feel like, personally, you should politely tell your friend that a relationship isn’t what you need right now. If they really want what’s best for you, they’ll respect that. You can work on bettering yourself in whatever ways you feel you need to. Then, if you’re ready, and you’re still interested in the guy, you can work towards that. “You can’t love anyone else until you love yourself” is garbage, but sometimes it’s really important to take time to learn about ourselves before learning about anyone else.

Sincerely, Katie